What’s the meaning of this?

My girlfriend has asked me a very valid question: what are you searching for? Why do you do so much thinking about this stuff? She has thought that it is not driving me towards God, rather just sows seeds of doubt and confusion. Theology, it seems, is my primary hobby. The only books I am reading right now are theological in content. I browse theological blogs and read theological articles. I listen to theological podcasts. I head to the religious section of any library or bookstore. Why is this? It’s been part of me for about 10 years. I have been writing and reading and listening to ‘God stuff’ all of this time. Problem is, the content has not affected my lifestyle in any significant way. So it certainly has not been a goal that my learning helps me to grow as a more Christ-like individual. And I don’t believe any theology will make much of a difference there. Has my learning helped me in any way, and if so how? The only answer I can fathom is that of understanding. I now know of multiple ways of understanding scripture and faith. I have a more broad knowledge of the issues of contemporary theology, which affects Christians worldwide. My greatest question is, how can this be of use? Without an application of my ongoing learning, I find myself growing restless and confused. When my girlfriend questions my relationship to God by nature of this doubt, I wonder if she may be on to something. Is God elusive, or am I just resisting the Spirit? Am I simply accumulating knowledge for my own sense of pride in knowledge, or as a pursuit of God? I think asking these types of questions as I read can be particularly healthy.

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