After reading The Power of Now, and while I work through A New Earth, I am becoming consciously aware of my emotional tendencies. I have sought validation for my views, and feared them being heavily disputed. When I say views, I am referring to my rigidly-held beliefs about everything and anything. I have always been one who enjoyed a bit of a debate, looking for the sensation of superiority, of ‘being right’. My validation-seeking came about when I wanted to feel that others thought the same way as I. If they did not, I would try to convince them, or otherwise conceal the views lest they would be negatively judged, hence my avoiding talking about my faith in the past.
What has now changed is that I can now watch the process; I can see the thoughts and feel the emotions around them. I can be totally aware of what is going on, so that I no longer identify with the need to be superior, or the fear of inferiority. Instead, eventually I will experience peace.
Tonight I was faced with another situation where my thoughts and emotions go wild. Something as simple as wanting to get another glass of wine while the group I was dining with were deep in conversation. Thoughts such as, ‘I’ve paid for it, I should claim it’, driving a distractive emotional edge. A mental image of the wine, of me drinking it, pervaded my thinking. I was intensely focused on that one glass of wine I was missing while the group continued to talk. At the end of the process I finally decided to shine the light of awareness, but I was no longer unstable, accepting that I wasn’t going to get the wine, as we were leaving the venue. A silly and trivial situation, but one which highlights the need to always watch the thoughts so that I do not identify with them, and lose control.