At the outset of this journey, I had no idea where my curiosity would lead. In many ways I regret the choices I have made, for I allowed my curiosity to direct me to patterns of behaviour that lack wisdom and moral judgment. I won’t go into explicit detail here; I will simply say that I chose the wrong friends, whose own attitudes and patterns are severely lacking. Maybe that’s a bit too ambiguous……I’m defining lack of wisdom in the sense of self-serving attitudes. In their moral ambiguity, they choose to see others as serving their own interests. As such, for these guys, they view women as sources of entertainment, and react to them accordingly. It does not help that this is writ large in society, such is the proliferation of pornography, strip clubs, sex shops, and brothels. So, what happens is that when I am with these guys is that I take on board their immoral attitudes. Later, when not in their company, I feel disgust and regret for my behaviour, and revert back to my previous ways. On and on this vicious cycle goes, for I find myself drawn back to these friends to fulfill both the shameful desires and a sense of companionship.
What can I do with this dichotomy? Along the way I attempted to reignite the fires of my faith through attending other churches, and then discovering Buddhism. I attended Buddhist meditation sessions and began to take this path a little seriously. Yet the formalities did nothing for me; I still found a faith centered in Christ to be far more attractive, while appreciating the benefits of meditation. The only way out of this dichotomy I can envisage is to find a practice that takes into account my past faith experience and my present awareness. The question is, how do I go about this, and what will be my drive, my motivation, that can be more powerful than the unwanted desires?