The Dark Side

I’m now going to take you through some of the most challenging and dark times of my journey, which puts some balance on my perspective.

I’ve found walking away from Christianity to be an extremely lonely affair. It was my social life, the only avenue I had to connect with people. I was never all that great in the art of making friends, ever since traumatic experiences in school, and the suicide of a close friend. My social life, or lack thereof, is probably the single biggest concern I have. Numerous research suggests that loneliness can lead to a whole host of psychological and physiological conditions, and I certainly have my fair share.

I’m attempting, and have attempted, numerous avenues of assistance to overcome the various psychological factors that contribute to my experience of loneliness – self help, counselling, and live programs. I’ve even dabbled in the seduction community, made famous by a book called The Game by Neil Strauss, hoping that there might be answers to overcome shyness, meet women and other lonely men, and begin to enjoy life more.  Yet that avenue was just something I couldn’t tolerate.

I’ve found that the more I isolate myself, the worst I feel, and yet the tendency to avoid social situations simply keeps me in the same predicament.  The amount of times that I’ve set myself to do some kind of activity like attend a meditation group, only to back out at the last minute, is staggering.

I accept that I’m a rather eccentric fellow who doesn’t have much in common with a lot of people, so I need to seek out some of these esoteric groups and connect with them – but this constant self-sabotage really keeps me from doing so.  I’m also conscious of the fact that given so much time of self-reflection, I tend to be very selfish, with very little conception of the needs of others.  So consumed in my own little world, I find it difficult to relate to the world at large.

So there is a snapshot of the dark side of my journey.  I’m focusing a lot of energy and time and making improvements in this area, and hope that change is on the horizon.

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One response to “The Dark Side

  • Atheism in the Easter Spotlight « Beyond Black and White

    […] I’m no stranger to loneliness.  My experience of it is partly influenced by the existential crisis that came when I left the faith that I had spent most of my life constrained within.  However, it is far more complex than what Jensen suggests – I was lonely at the highest points of my time as a Christian believer.  Involvement in a church and belief in deities are no guarantees of happiness, despite what opinion polls tell us (just ask the multitude of ex-Christians). […]

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