Resurrection

Something shifted in my narrative recently. I had reached rock bottom. My health has been failing me, and I could not see where I might fit in this society and culture. My social life has been confined to my parents. I was constantly depressed. Life was just a continual grey.

I was brought to remember the guidance of a psychologist last year, who pointed me to the very progressive Anglican minister Peter Catt in Brisbane. At the time I had no interest digging into my abandoned faith, even though the psychologist deemed this to be important. But now I was more curious than ever. So I explored, and ended up listening to a podcast called On the Way which features Peter. My heart was moved when I heard so much to resonate with, and an opening to faith that can actually co-exist with reason, doubt, and skepticism.

I began attending church again at Easter. A very different style of service from what I had experienced in the past, very liturgical, with organ and choir and the ole church garb. It was refreshing to follow along with the prayers and Bible readings with the entire congregation; it felt more like a group affair than the from-the-front approach I’d grown up with. I could sense a kind of spirituality I could finally relate with, one not based in believing the right stuff, but just on experiencing a reality informed by the example of Jesus.

So I had to write something here as I look back to these old writings of mine and see myself in the dark of unknowing. I was right to reject the god that I had believed in, one who is the judge of the world, one who would be pleased to condemn people to an eternity of torture. We might think of the worst possible terrorist or terrorist organisation, and then multiply that into infinity, to imagine the kind of character that would send people to hell for not believing certain things. But now I am hearing the voices of people who speak of a God who is so loving, who is a complete mystery such that language fails to convey her/his/its meaning.

A big part of my belief system was focused on the afterlife; now it doesn’t even feature in my thoughts. Religion is now back in my life because of the void and emptiness that I experienced, and the need I felt to enter into a community of people who have some hope and some sense of connection. I expect to find God not in a book, but in the people and in the experiences I share with others. I have tried to live as a lone warrior, as a hermit, and it has been an epic failure. Resurrection for me is coming out of the darkness of despair and loneliness to joy, love, and connection.